Beta Comments: FREEBORN

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Holy FREEBORN, Batman!

Apologies for neglecting the blog posting over the last couple days. I have been churning out a chapter a day on FREEBORN. So far, I have been receiving amazing feedback from my betas. There have been a few minor issues I have corrected, but no major flaws.

Tonight, I received this as portion of some feedback from Tamara Hickman  http://tamarahickman.wordpress.com/ based on the first seven chapters. Of course, I took out the few ‘suggestions’ and just left in the positives for public consumption. 🙂

HOLY CRAP, MAN! Where is the rest? I need it!

I was sucked in, and couldn’t stop reading. There are large sections with no notes, and those are probably the places where I was completely enthralled by the story. If something jarred me out of the story, I noted it.

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn’t think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with each other are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genius, and I can’t wait to see how it plays out.

Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

Holy Handgrenades, Bat Man! Hurry up and finish this book so I can get my claws on it!

Poem: So She Sings

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Sarasvati: Hindu goddess of words

 

Snow shafts like ‘shroom stems
Shift slow so sleet stings
Slipshod shaped shadows
Slice straight through sun strings

Slung south since smooth skin
Sail silent sea springs
Side-saddle soldiers
Swing swords so steel stings

Sticks, stones, scabs, sutures
Sewn shut yet sap seeps
Sleep softly, soundly
Sweet song her soul sings

Sweet song her souls sings

Poem: Winner, Winner

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Avery glared down at them
From above
In disgust
A bad taste in her mouth
In the candlelight

Eyesight moist
With the damp of the rain
Juicy droplets beading up
On wings
Rolling to her breasts
Over her thighs
And down her legs

From below the awning
They never noticed her there
As they laughed & chewed
Over stringy bits
Of white meat

Ignoring the one
In the dripping branches
Continuing their cheeky chatter
Over cheap wine
And chicken cordon bleu

Review: FREEBORN

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By chance, I happened upon an opportunity to share the first three chapters of FREEBORN with a stranger–Alexandra Davidoff. We ‘met’ in an online forum where I was seeking feedback on the Pitch. Things progressed from there, and I emailed her a draft. Today, I received this comment in my inbox.
 
Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there’s almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I’ve never read anything that’s similar, and that’s a good thing. You’re very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn’t appeal to everyone but it’s originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren’t confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward. You have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands.”
 
That kind of feeback is good to hear. It echoes comments from two other beta readers that have read through the first seven chapters. I am definitely encouraged to continue writing this story. On to chapter eight!
 

Poem: Drinking Tails

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Ripple rap-tap

         tip the scales

                      tartar sauce

                                     fishy tales

                                             fillet the truth

                                                      of minnows caught

                                                              weighing in

                                                                      on just-missed whales

 

Triple death-trap

              bait intact

                           Orion hunter

                                    seaside act

                                             ferocious beast

                                                      that swam away

                                                               recounting words

                                                                                 of twisted fact

 

Double danger

              on the brink

                         sharpened edge

                                    of thoughts you think

                                              experience

                                                       yet to happen

                                                                   shocking fake

                                                                               distilled in drink

Poem: Strings

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His self-defined philanthropy
Marionette gift to me
   with strings
   attached

Not wanting bonds
I gave it up
   like rubber bands
   it snapped right back
   into my hands

Which reached for scissors
Nice and sharp
   to sever off
   the braided ropes

But found them made
Of hardened steel
   too thick
   to snip

Poem: Migh & Highty [for Spooner]

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We think we’re so might & highty
tanging the chime
Fing sproward, Ball fack
One hour
yice a twear

Hying our dair
& fifting our laces
Electing sanother
to dighten or larken our skin-
ralter our aces

Stere I hand-
an example
Waying these sords
with paper & pen
Expressing dy mistaste

So might & highty
to offer opinion
athout being wasked
My fersonal peelings-
I wiv them gaway
Nonetheless

Temporary Bookcover: FREEBORN

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It still needs some tweaking, but this is the working cover for FREEBORN.

Even though the virus in the novel causes a pregnancy-of-sorts, I chose to stay away from images of zygotes, ultrasounds, and maternity. 
I wanted a sci-fi feel without the standard DNA double-helix, chromosome images, gadgets, etc.
Overall, this version presents the ‘feel’ I was shooting for. I dig the coloring: an almost clinical/x-ray feel.

It’s a work in progress (like the novel), so suggestions & comments are much appreciated.

Poem: Sleepwalking vs. Lying Awake

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Sleepwalking

Why do I feel this, this
Orient–
disorientation–
Like the volume of
blue-smoke opium
creeping into my bones,
When all I’ve had
to drink
is a single cup of coffee
Which is hardly enough
to make the
hand-hold lashes
of my eyes
part
and regretfully
let go?

　

vs.

　

Lying Awake

Why do you think that, that
American–
completely categorized–
Like the depths
of red-clay cotton
landing on your skin,
When all you’ve ever
given up
is a thousand packs
of tobacco
Which is more than enough
to make the
siamese swelling [swelling]
of your lungs
snuggle
and accidentally
cave in?

Pitch For the Next Novel: FREEBORN

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Alright, here’s a couple versions of my flavorful, hot-off-the-press Pitch for the new novel: “Freeborn”. It’s still in the rough-draft stage, but you’ll get the gist.

VERSION 8

Katia2198-04 lives in a time of peace, prosperity, and perfect health. The so-called Common Good Era started 200 years ago when the Surgeon Generals declared cloning the mandatory means of reproduction. Mass-sterilization ensures its necessity. Gene selection ensures its success.

All is golden, until a parasite epidemic sweeps through the Commonwealths.  Children, the elderly, women, men: no one is immune, including sixteen-year-old Katia. An infected boy, Adam, offers her asylum in a safehouse. The residents know the truth the Surgeons are hiding. The life squirming inside all those bellies isn’t a parasite at all. It’s a baby. A human one. A freeborn.

Katia struggles with the revelation that the creature inside her is not a monster after all. As her stomach swells, she joins the safehouse rebels in their plot to snatch control of the masses away from the Surgeons. The plan is risky, insane. It will affect every person on the planet.

The Surgeons will not give up control without a fight, but the future of the infected clones, and the freeborns they carry, depend on it. Adam and Katia are simply accelerating the process that has already begun. The Common Good is not so good. It is time for a new era.

 

VERSION 2

Katia lives in a time of peace, prosperity, and perfect health. The so-called Common Good Era started 200 years ago when the Surgeon Generals declared cloning the mandatory means of reproduction. Mass-sterilization ensures its necessity. Gene selection ensures its success.

A parasite epidemic sweeps through the Commonwealths.  Children, the elderly, women, men; no one is immune. Sixteen-year-old Katia becomes infected.

So does Adam. He and the other rebels in the safehouse know the truth the Surgeons are hiding. The life squirming inside all those bellies isn’t a parasite at all. It’s a baby. A human one. A freeborn. Adam knows this for a fact. Fifteen years earlier, his mom was the first to go full-term. Now, he’s pregnant with a freeborn baby of his own.

Adam offers Katia asylum in the safehouse. She struggles with the revelation that the creature inside her is not a monster after all. The rebels need her on their side. She is pivotal in their plan to snatch the control away from the Surgeons. The plan is risky, insane. It will affect every person on the planet.

The Surgeons will not give up control without a fight, but the future of both the clones and the freeborns depends on it. Adam and Katia are simply accelerating the process nature started.

[Feedback welcome. I’m sick of bland pitches ::: vomit ::: This one matches the style of the writing in Freeborn. Q: Is it going too ‘informal’? Too much voice? Can you have too much voice in a Pitch?]