I’m not really sure why, but my brain was firing with randomness earlier this evening. Not that this is anything new.
I started a Tweet session where I just let this urge run wild. Here’s what it turned into.
ZOMBIE |
If I ever become a zombie, I hope I’m the fast kind–not the slow, pathetic kind. Oh! And no maggots. They’d distract me too much. |
Also, if I ever become a zombie, I hope I don’t eat any of my friends. I hope I’d be a good enough friend to still be nice. You know? |
If I ever become a zombie, I think it’d be cool to “pretend” like I was still alive. Take baths, fix my hair, order stuff online. |
If I was a zombie, and I was eating live people, I wouldn’t also want to be considered a cannibal. It’s not the same. And that would hurt. |
If I was zombie, I’d still want to eat sushi & chocolate & tomatoes. Not just brains. That would get so old so quick. |
If I became a zombie, would I *know* it wasn’t always so? Or would I just be like: ‘Oh–I’ve always been this way. Can’t change who I am.’? |
If I become a zombie, I want to be able to climb trees. & be arrow-proof. & maybe teach the other zombies language skilz besides grunting. |
Also, I’d like to be the zombie to begin peace negotiations with the homo sapiens. The world is big enough for more than 1 humanoid species. |
But I don’t want to be like Zombie King or anything. That’d be a lot to deal with. I’d just wanna try to be helpful and not scare the humans |
SASQUATCH |
If I was a sasquatch, I’d need a lady-in-waiting. I could brush most of my hair, but some would be out of reach. Even with my long arms. |
If I was a sasquatch, I’d definitely wear a shirt. Maybe pants, too. But definitely a shirt. |
If I was a sasquatch, I’d donate all I could to Locks of Love. I would hope others would do the same for me if I was in need. |
If I was a sasquatch, I wouldn’t hide all the time. I mean, if I was photogenic, I would totally do a photo shoot for People or NatGeo. |
I’d like a nice condo if I was a sasquatch. The forest is cool and all, but I bet it gets lonely out there sometimes. |
If I was a sasquatch, I’d go trick-or-treating. That way I could get close to people and they wouldn’t shoot me. |
If I was a sasquatch, I would do Chewbacca impressions at parties. And maybe play bartender. If I had a big hairnet or a trench coat. |
If I was a sasquatch, I bet it’d be pretty easy to get product endorsements. Maybe for like haircare, ski equipment, and probably Gatorade. |
If I was a sasquatch, I might stay in the woods, though. Maybe become a Christmas tree farmer or a Park Ranger. But not a lumberjack. |
UNICORN |
If I was a unicorn, I’d be the kind with a beard. I’d probably braid it, or wear a little barrette in it. A red one. No sparkles, though. |
If I was a unicorn, I’d want a brass tag attached 2 my horn. It would say: If you kill me, my magical horn will dissolve. It’s not worth it. |
If I was a unicorn, I would sneak into a zoo and only let little kids see me. And maybe sad people. yes. The sad people, too. |
If I was a unicorn, I’d grant wishes for sure. But not in the country or suburbs. In the city. Where folks wouldn’t’ expect me to show up. |
If I was a unicorn, I would eat all the bombs. |
If I was a unicorn, I’d want my mane to move all the time. Even when there was no wind. And I’d blink really slowly and almost grin. |
Also, if I was a unicorn, I’d roll around in clover and whinny. But it wouldn’t sound like a horse. More like a little girl giggling. |
If I was a unicorn, I’d be playful. Like riding around on tricycles and maybe doing the Moonwalk at the Super Bowl half-time show. |
If I was a unicorn, I’d heal people of cancer. But only if they were brave enough to climb on my back. And believe. |
If I was a unicorn, I’d like to do a reality show with a bunch of meanies. I’d teach them lessons along the way, & refuse to take the money. |
Lastly, if I was a unicorn, I’d invite all the sasquatches & zombies over for tea. And we’d tell jokes and play games and hug a lot. |
The End. |
Out of these three beings, I suppose I would most like to be the unicorn. Maybe that’s a cop-out since they have the best reputation going in. The main reason I’d pick the unicorn is because it’s all magick and stuff. If I could be this kind of cancer-healing, bomb-eating, moon-walking unicorn–I’d choose it in a heartbeat. Still, much love to the zombies and sasquatches. [Or is the plural also ‘sasquatch’? If I ever become one, I’ll find out.]