Confessions of a Gay White Dude #WeNeedDiverseBooks


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So I’m 27k into the first draft of my current manuscript: Gaydreaming. And I’m encountering some real-time (and welcome) struggles and challenges as I go.

This is my 6th YA novel, and with all of them, representing the spectrum of sexual orientation and gender flavors has been an important aspect for me. Because of my own experience and life and goals, you see. I mean, I’m kinda queer. (Okay, okay, fine…I’m way gay.) I was married for a whole lot of years and have two amazing, phenomenal kids. I’m now with my partner of 4+ years in a state that’s still currently on the wrong side of history. I live in and understand a lot of the nuances of the LGBTQIA community and culture. What I don’t understand, I seek to. So, the orientation thing—I can comfortably speak on it & write about it.

I grew up in NC, admittedly as a not-like-the-rest-of-us-closeted-artistic-weirdo. To be sure. Still, I’m a white dude who started life in a microscopic, closed-off-to-the-world NC town. Later, I joined the Army, then my nomadic self kept me moving around a lot. Seven states. Multiple cities & towns in some of those. I’ve lived in random places and enjoyed a ton of experiences. I’ve met amazing people all over who greatly opened up my worldview and augmented my micro-town upbringing. All that to say, I’m comfortable writing about queer characters and experiences.

In some of my previous books, I also chose to dip my toes into racial & cultural diversity. (Apologies in advance. The word conscious is probably going to appear a lot in this post.) At the outset of this current manuscript, back in my meticulous plotting stage, I made a conscious effort to give this facet of diversity the same attention I’ve always given gender identity and orientation.

Right away, I knew that choice would start with a setting, a real-life geographical region which inherently possesses a diverse population. That would give me a strong, natural starting point I could (hopefully) build a cast and their stories from. I knew I wanted this story set in NC. Because home. But the one-stoplight-99%-white village I lived in until 4th grade wasn’t really gonna cut it! So I went a-researching for the most diverse metropolitan area in the state.

CITY DATA at http://www.city-data.com/  hooked me up.

The site contains a wealth of stats of all sorts, interactive maps, tables, and charts. Seriously, play around with it and see what it can do. So, Gaydreaming is set on the edge of the Research Triangle Park. For thematic reasons in the novel, I slid the setting to the southern edge of this diverse region, to a sort of limboland between Raleigh and Durham. (Perhaps fictionalized a ~little~ and given the regional name Umstead. I AM, after all, a writer.) Using the City Data info, I created my characters to accurately represent the population in this geographic area.

The base characters were in place! The basic foundation for a diverse cast was laid!

Then the more difficult part came. A million tweets and articles and conversations all swirled inside me: things to avoid, things that must be handled gingerly. In random order—just some of the snippets from personal experience and informal, online education—here are a few cautions and goals that are still thrumming through the process. It’s far from the exhaustive list. Maybe not even the most important items. But it’s a snapshot of some of the Post-its stuck to my mental walls.

  • FFS, don’t compare skin-tone to food. This link, If White Characters Were Described like People of Color in Literature, proves the point perfectly: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/if-white-characters-were-described-like-people-of-color-in-l#.xwMBQdv1D
  • Hell! Avoid mentioning skin-tone or any non-essential appearance markers altogether! But then, my brain fights back, will the diversity be clear enough? Not feel glazed over? Then it swings to: well only mention such things if it matters to the POV character. Which, again, circles back to difficult. Would my pair of MCs, teens who grew up in a diverse community & are themselves POC, even make note of such things in their stories? Would they even notice?
  • An old lesson bubbled up: an article I read years ago about the crutch/stereotype/plot device of the “magical negro.” (If you don’t know what this refers to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magical_Negro) I confess, completely unconsciously, I created a character that was too close to fitting that mold a few novels and years back. Not exactly all the way, maybe only 33%, but that felt like too much. I’ve since revised that character. Because I learned, and I revisited my own characterization from way back then. There’s no risk of this particular error in my current WIP, but it’s still one of the Post-its. (And, maybe, you can add it to yours? Just in case.)
  • (FEAR INTERJECTION POST-IT: What if I ruin this? What if I get everything wrong? Screw it all up? Make bad decisions? F%&k s#*t up in this attempt?! Maybe I should just stick to the stuff, the experiences, I know firsthand. Maybe I should stick to gay, white characters, who grew up cowering in the closet. But the entire cast can’t fit that description…This story is so much more than that. Ugh ahhhhhh…)
  • Not making my characters diverse just to be “diverse”, but because representation is important. Because readers are important. Because we all have stories to tell. Because we’re all made of emotions, and wishes, and hopes, and fears, and dreams. Because even fiction, or maybe especially fiction, should echo and mirror and trump reality. Because #WeNeedDiverseBooks

Like I said, this is only a portion of the massively long list I’m consciously balancing. Beyond the struggle, though, I believe I’ve also (possibly?) found some creative solutions, ways to portray a cast of diverse, well-rounded characters without tumbling into the pitfalls. (God. I’m going to be honest here. This feels like doing jumping jacks naked in front of all of you. I’m not sure about any of this. But I’m damn sure giving it a go.)

  • UPDATE: I (thankfully!) stumbled upon the Writing With Color Tumblr http://writingwithcolor.tumblr.com/ WOW. Great info & dos/don’ts from a PoC’s perspective. Multiple moderators answer writerly questions and provide positive examples & guidance. This is a beautiful resource, which is, I believe, the reason it exists. I’m soaking up every drop.
  • Character names can help, right? First names, surnames. This obviously has to be handled carefully, too. Because stereotypes can slip in. Just to make it harder on myself, because of the real-life stats for fictional Umstead, a lot of families are culturally blended. It’s an international region. Still, I believe carefully chosen names can help in a subtle way.
  • There’s one kid in the friend group who is an aspiring chef. His family owns a restaurant/hangout place the characters frequent. I don’t know if this is going to work (because I haven’t gotten there in the draft yet) but Adrian’s character study says he likes to expand his skills and dish repertoire and asks for family recipes from the other characters. IDK? Maybe? That might be another subtle way to introduce the characters’ cultural backgrounds without being overt? (I’m trying here, guys. REALLY trying!)
  • Along the way, even in this first draft, I’m giving things a shot. Experimenting, I guess. (Insert that conscious word again.) I include a bit of description or characterization that’s hopefully just enough but not too much. I weigh it, take it out, put it back in, tweak it. All this will get edited again and again (and again), but I want even the initial draft to be carefully beautiful in how representation is handled. Not just for the queer or POC characters, but for every.single.character.

The point in me sharing any of this (because, seriously, it’s scary as hell) is to show that I’m trying, that I’m being conscious of my writing & characterization choices. I’m genuinely making an attempt. This story would be (get this) easier if I just didn’t worry about this aspect, right? But I do to care about it. I want to do these characters justice. I must.

So, yeah, my anguished junk’s laid bare. And, at this point, I have no idea if this attempt will be a success or a complete and utter failure. I’m hoping, expecting, for the first outcome in that list.

In case it’s not clear enough, my struggle with writing with diversity in mind begins and ends with a single word: conscious. But I guess a similar word, conscience, is in there , too: the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

*stops doing naked jumping jacks*
*hopes something in these confessions helps somebody else, too*

Intelligent People Stay Up Later?


 owl

I am, by nature, a night owl.

I can do the early morning thing, go to work, make stuff happen, even write in the a.m. if I force it to be so. But night, the witching hour, that’s when I thrive & the magic happens.

According to this article, IQ average and sleeping patterns are most definitely related.

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/night-owls-creative-intelligent/686025/

I guess I’ll believe the study. All I know is that something special awakens inside me when the stars are out.

Who are my fellow night owls? (Who may not read this until nightfall. :D)

Writerly Thoughts – Starting Tomorrow via @tangynt


future

One of my writer compadres shared this in an online group earlier this week. It could be a New Year kinda commitment, but I feel like now is a great time to share & think on these thoughts. The holiday season, after all, is a time to be thankful, celebrate, splash in nostalgia, and also look ahead.

With Leatrice McKinney’s full permission, please enjoy her writerly thoughts.

Starting tomorrow, I’m gonna take it easy on myself.

I’m not gonna think about the negative aspects of the industry or how I really feel about my WIP right now.

I’m not gonna focus on what I didn’t accomplish this year or where I wish my career was, but instead look at how far I’ve come and count my progress for the true difference it’s made in my life and my craft.

I’m not gonna compare myself to other writers. I don’t know what moats they’ve crossed to get to where they are or what waits for them on their journey. I’ve got my own path to follow.

I’m not gonna pull out my phone to check my email every five minutes, essentially LOOKING for rejection. It and acceptance will come on their own, my refresh button will not speed up or slow down the process.

I’m not gonna give my self-doubt an inch of room to try and grow. As a matter of fact, that mofo’s got to find somewhere else to set up shop entirely. GTFO.

I’m gonna celebrate my accomplishments, because—contrary to how I feel sometimes—they are there, and they are numerous.

I’m gonna celebrate my friends and colleagues’ successes. We’re in this together, and one writer’s advancement is NOT another writer’s hindrance.

I’m gonna focus on the love and acceptance from the people in my life who support me and what I do.

I’m gonna allow myself to feel victorious in the fact that I’m still moving forward.

If you understand, feel any of this, agree, or simply want to encourage her in this commitment, please give a Twitter shout out to @tangynt and let her know. You can also slide on over to her website: http://tangynt.wix.com/elle.

Pain, Patience and OWWW CRAP OWWW


Today was the (quasi)final tattoo session for my Phreak Show character sleeve.

Here’s how things looked going into the session:

This project has taken precisely one year, 12 sessions, 36-ish hours in the chair, $#### (plus a trade of a mounted human skull fragment).

Out of the dozen sessions, this one, the background, was by far the worst. The needles pierced & chewed the entire length of my arm. The sheer amount of skin area made it rough. Pain. From wrist to shoulder. Front, back, sides. If my poor, fragile skin didn’t have ink yet, it got some.

Some owww-shit-owww sections got hit today. Hard.

You know that sliver of skin between your elbow bones? The one that twangs and hurts like mad when you bang it against a sadist object? The “funny bone” it’s called… Yeah. Not even close to funny. Like ridiculously not funny. When the artist was inking it, a nerve zinged all the way to my hand and made my pinkie & ring finger involuntarily twitch & jerk. This was weird. Painful & weird.

Another spot of excruciating pain: the underside of my arm, near my armpit. WOWZER. That amount of pain should be illegal. Prophetically, that’s where Niko the Prince of Torture is located. Haha, Nico. Ha. Ha.

At one point, after 2 hours of suckfest pain, my whole body was shaking. I tried to stop it, but it was doing that thing like when you’re shivering from the cold and can’t stop. I’m pretty sure my body was protesting, as loudly as it knew how, for me to stop traumatizing it in such an evil manner.

Joe, my tat artist, ripped the needles through my skin. “You sick of me yet?”

“Can’t.talk,” I squeezed through my chattering teeth. “Too.busy.screaming.inside.”

He laughed. I cried. (Almost). I tried to ascend to my happy place & soldiered on. Like a trooper and whatnot. I’d come too far to quit partway through the final tattoo. Even though it hurt like infiinte hell. <—possible exaggeration. Eventually, Joe stopped hammering my tender, Irish flesh. I shook off the grog & stood on quaking legs to check out his handiwork.

One final-final session is scheduled for May just to make sure everything looks crisp & ~finished~ after a few months. Perfection, ya know? That last-pass edit of compulsive tweaking. But it’s close enough to call this the final draft.

Phreak Show is officially  a “manuscript” and not a “book” at this point. Still, being the hopeful chap that I am, I may have already imagined myself at a signing, modeling the sleeve, readers hunting down their favorites on my arm, agreeing with the image or explaining how they pictured the characters differently.

Silly, right? Maybe narcissistic like, “Oh, hey, yeah, check out my rad tats!” Idk. Yeah. Whatevs.  I’m cool with that.

The concept, the characters, the finished story, a phenomenal agent for said story—even the sleeve itself—all started off as dreams. And those dreams, after much patience and owww-shit-owww pain, all came to pass.

And, optimistic, tatted writer-boy that I am, I know the day will come when I roll up my shirt sleeve with a smile to reveal the sleeve underneath.

“Oh yeah! I’d love to a pose for a pic with you, dear reader. But first, let’s put this temporary tat of Twiggy on you. Where do you want her?”

Whittling Down To The Beautiful


C2 - Alchemy lab - After

My partner and I run a business together: buying & selling antiques, doing shows, Ebay, repairing old pieces, creating new designs from vintage/antique components. Part of this process is the old “Buy Low, Sell High” tactic. So we hit auctions, thrift stores, Craigslist, junk shops, and antique stores. We scoop up anything with potential, flip the ready-to-go pieces as quickly as possible, and slowly work on the pieces that need TLC or creative reworking.

The needy pieces are less expensive, of course, and we always have more plans than time. (Sound familiar?) So, the easy pieces sell quickly, and the time-suck ones tend to pile up.

About 2 months ago, we decided it was time for a purge. We wanted to move to another location, get a fresh start. Opportunities arose, and as daunting as the overwhelming task seemed, we lunged at them.

Now, this meant a few things:
– Downsizing from an 8,000 sq ft building with our loft, storefront, storage & workshop to an adorable 1000 sq ft house
– Decision-making on what to let go vs. what to keep
– Re-imagining our lives with these changes in mind

Our action plan, at its root, challenged us to decide what things were most valuable and to let the rest go. Sounds simple, right? But this wasn’t just about ~things~. It also included our hopes, dreams, emotions, attachments. The decision rippled through every aspect of our lives: relationships, family, friends, finances, location, business, etc, etc…

Some choices hurt. We mourned the potential of soon-to-be-lost things. But we knew to get to our end goal, we had to be merciless.

[Roll over each pic for a caption.]

So here we are, on the other side. Feels.so.damn.good.

Yes, this is a story specific to me, but not solely. ALL you readers are insanely intelligent. You’re boss at drawing analogies, reading words someone else wrote & drawing personal significance from them. I encourage you to do that.

Maybe for you, this post is about a change or move or purge you need to make in your own life. Maybe it applies to the fear of the draft looming in front of you or the scary-ass revisions staring you in the face. Maybe it’s a bit of inspiration for redesigning your life (or just your creative space) by sifting ALL THE THINGS down to the beautiful.

It’s tough. It hurts. It’s hard work.

It’s worth it.

Inside the Fish Bowl Castle


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Change.

That’s the reason I’ve been silent on this blog for a bit.

Plenty has been going on in my life. Major things, positive things. But a lot of it is of a personal nature—things best shared over warm cups of coffee, or around a crackling fire pit, but not so much in a public forum. You know, the richness of life which requires conversation, eye contact, Q&A, backstory, body language, and laughter-spiked discussion.

I’m in a period of a hella lot of transition.

And while I know I should (right?) be blogging & keeping my presence here active, that simply can’t happen. Because life. Because sometimes we have to pull back, keep parts of ourselves for ourselves, and curate what we let others see.

I felt a little guilty about it at first—not sharing. I felt like I wasn’t following the rules of posting regularly & keeping my blog active—all those sorts of things we hear over and over. I even worried that this absence would hinder my goals as a writer by not having a structured, frequently updated place for folks to come check me out & whatnot.

I could have forced myself to post things. But, with the real stuff being my true focus behind-the-scenes, I also knew any posts would only be placeholders lacking genuine passion or insight. That, I realized, would just be a waste.

So I did what I needed to do. For me. As an actual person who (surprise!) also lives an existence filled with non-writerly, person-like things.

And I guess that’s the point of this post. Writers, like everyone else, are actual people with families, and friends, and lives, and problems, and celebrations, and times of transitions and change. Yes, we need that sacred “online presence” so agents and editors can see who we are outside of our polished words. But we also need to breathe & focus on the other important things in our lives.

Living in a fish bowl is an interesting thing. Strangers watch us swim. They make judgments based on only what they see. Of course, we do it to strangers, too.

Every now and then, we need to tuck in our fins and shimmy into the privacy of our little underwater castles.

I expect to be in mine for the next month as the culmination of all this personal change is happening. I’ll keep poking my fishy head out on Twitter, etc. I don’t feel guilty or worried about it anymore. This is what I need for me at this time. It’s the right thing to do.

So I should end with a moral-of-the-story or an actionable item, right? Isn’t that a rule? Okay. I’ll totally try.

Slip into your castle when you need to. The outside world will be there when you get back. A bit of respite won’t ruin everything you’ve worked for. It won’t hurt your momentum towards your professional goals. In fact, taking time to take care of yourself is probably the absolute best thing you can do.

*does cool stuff inside castle, where you can’t see. neener neener*

If you find this invisible ink, you deserve a peek into my castle window. My beau and I are liquidating our antiques business, leaving our loft/workshop/storefront behind, and moving into a cute, little house a few towns over. A separate, 20-year relationship is making its final transition—which feels like a mix of freedom and loss, but is positive overall. And I’m doing an experimental writing thing, using a Twitter account run by the M.C. of a fun, ridiculously long titled idea for my next book. Plus other things. neener neener again. 

Fool-Proof Anti-Distraction Plan


distractions

Not that anyone ever gets distracted by electronics, social media, obsessive phone checking, tumbling down research rabbit holes, etc…

But—just in case—Miranda July has a creative suggestion for how to overcome these distractions & be productive.

http://www.nowness.com/day/2011/7/26/1533/miranda-july-the-future

My Deepest Motivation for Writing: A Confession


planet core

I, like all authors, write for many reasons.

A short list:
– I can’t not write
– Words and ideas are fun to play with
– Share a story that must be told
– Give life to characters who deserve to live
– An outward expression of inner struggles
– Provoke thought
– Create beauty & wonder
– Elicit emotions key to what makes humans human
– Make a space for dialogue on certain themes and topics
– Forge a connection—and maybe hit a soft spot—with readers
– [This list could go on forever]

All these reasons are a mix of selfish desire/need on the part of the writer, and a more benevolent desire/need to create a gift for others. At least, that’s my belief. With the amount of heart, time, energy, and life given to the art of writing, I can’t see how there can truly be any other marriage of motivations.

Beyond all this, in a personal confession, there is a more vulnerable and quiet reason why I write. This reason burns beneath all the other motivations. It’s the white-hot core that fuels and feeds the others.

I guess I’m confessing this because it is truth, because I recognize it, and because it offers a glimpse of the one behind he words.

The deepest motivation behind my desire to write:
To re-imagine my own narrative of identity and belonging.

I could deny it. I could (try to) hide it. But I really don’t know what that would accomplish? And, in the end, it feels like a good thing to know our truest motivation, embrace the hell out of it, and let it thrive.

Beneath all the others, I’m guessing we each have a core motivation.

Do you know yours?

Feedback Leads To Lovers


IF FOUND, RETURN TO ASTROPOP - Fan art by Crystal Smalls Ord

IF FOUND, RETURN TO ASTROPOP – Fan art by Crystal Smalls Ord

Feedback comes in many forms.

From a “ZOMG! Take my money! I want to buy that right NOW!” spurred by a one-sentence pitch, to a meh or shrug or turned-up nose of disinterest, to a gushing Tweet, to comments from a CP saying, “Yeah, something’s totally broken in this section… What if you…” or “WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CRY RIGHT NOW, LUCAS?!”. And a million shades in between.

Even silence is feedback.

Obviously, praise feels good. (Thanks, Cpt Obvious.) ((You’re welcome!)) Some readers heap it on. It’s who they are, in their nature. And thank the gods these readers swoop in to rub a little balm on the inevitable burns. Other readers are boss at finding tiny inconsistencies between something mentioned briefly on page 7 and then again in chapter 28. Some focus on big picture stuff, or characterization, or plot threads, or every.single.missing.comma, or dialogue, or a name that changes spelling partway through, or the lovey-dovey parts.

All of these amazingly varied types of feedback are helpful, needed, and appreciated.

Individually, they’re golden. Together, they help transform a manuscript into a book.

This feedback leads to lovers.

And, yes, sometimes, a feedback-giver doesn’t “get it”. Your voice, style, rhythm, a character. Your words are simply not their thang. Or they have a tough time divorcing their own style from yours and try to insert their personal quirks, voice, and preferences. And (Okay! Fine, I’ll take one for the team and say it out loud! Because a lot of times it’s something we feel like we shouldn’t say. Out of fear of sounding wounded, or thinking too highly of our own words, or because we’re big, fat, fearful chickens.) every now and then, there is the unmistakable taint of jealousy and/or bitterness.

That’s okay, too.

Because, in the end, the writer must weigh every bit of feedback. We make decisions. We place value on each suggestion. We pop them on the scale of our vision for our story and see which way it tips. “Shit, that hurts, like mad, but I need it” or “Okay, yeah, that’s not useful” or “Hmmm…interesting…good point” and the coveted “YES OMG PERFECT SUGGESTION THIS PERSON IS BASICALLY A GENIUS”.

As long as we’re not stubborn jerks, as long as we’re open to learn and bend and stretch, each suggestion (and our resulting decision) helps our story grow stronger.

That’s the ultimate point of feedback, right? Not to have people gush for gushing’s sake, but because the story resonates. Not to stroke our egos, but to kick us in the nearsighted ass and make us see things we’re myopic about.

If our end goal is for our words to make it into the great big world, that goal begins with an idea. That idea becomes a manuscript, which becomes a book. That can be an amazing book or a sorry-excuse for one. The difference, I believe, happens through the process of seeking, receiving, weighing, and incorporating feedback.

Think about how magical this is: We can actually transform the raw material of feedback into gold.

We’re like a team of alchemists and shit.
Feedback into gold.
Books into feelings.
Strangers into lovers.

Improvement. Solidity. Marketability. Beauty. Resonance.

Those are the things which will help our stories make it beyond behind-the-scenes-readers to the great big world. And that great big world contains the same mix of disinterest, haters, and passionate lovers.

Feedback is, I truly believe, the path that leads us to those future, passionate lovers.

 

Sometimes, in addition to feedback-in-words, there’s even feedback-in-images. (Ahhhh!)

The AMAZING illustration opening this post is fan art that If Found, Return To Astropop inspired in a reader. That reader, who is also a writer and illustrator, is the phenomenal Crystal Smalls Ord. I can’t really share much of Astro with you lovelies quite yet, but I’m thrilled to be able to share Smalls’s interpretation.

(She made sure I pointed out that the image only exists because Astro & Pip’s story inspired her that much. :: blushes profusely ::)

If you dig it, let Smalls know, check out her other work, and show her some love.
Twitter: @SmallsOrd
Tumblr: http://smallsord.tumblr.com/
Deviant Art: http://csmalls.daportfolio.com/