Confessions of a Gay White Dude #WeNeedDiverseBooks


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So I’m 27k into the first draft of my current manuscript: Gaydreaming. And I’m encountering some real-time (and welcome) struggles and challenges as I go.

This is my 6th YA novel, and with all of them, representing the spectrum of sexual orientation and gender flavors has been an important aspect for me. Because of my own experience and life and goals, you see. I mean, I’m kinda queer. (Okay, okay, fine…I’m way gay.) I was married for a whole lot of years and have two amazing, phenomenal kids. I’m now with my partner of 4+ years in a state that’s still currently on the wrong side of history. I live in and understand a lot of the nuances of the LGBTQIA community and culture. What I don’t understand, I seek to. So, the orientation thing—I can comfortably speak on it & write about it.

I grew up in NC, admittedly as a not-like-the-rest-of-us-closeted-artistic-weirdo. To be sure. Still, I’m a white dude who started life in a microscopic, closed-off-to-the-world NC town. Later, I joined the Army, then my nomadic self kept me moving around a lot. Seven states. Multiple cities & towns in some of those. I’ve lived in random places and enjoyed a ton of experiences. I’ve met amazing people all over who greatly opened up my worldview and augmented my micro-town upbringing. All that to say, I’m comfortable writing about queer characters and experiences.

In some of my previous books, I also chose to dip my toes into racial & cultural diversity. (Apologies in advance. The word conscious is probably going to appear a lot in this post.) At the outset of this current manuscript, back in my meticulous plotting stage, I made a conscious effort to give this facet of diversity the same attention I’ve always given gender identity and orientation.

Right away, I knew that choice would start with a setting, a real-life geographical region which inherently possesses a diverse population. That would give me a strong, natural starting point I could (hopefully) build a cast and their stories from. I knew I wanted this story set in NC. Because home. But the one-stoplight-99%-white village I lived in until 4th grade wasn’t really gonna cut it! So I went a-researching for the most diverse metropolitan area in the state.

CITY DATA at http://www.city-data.com/  hooked me up.

The site contains a wealth of stats of all sorts, interactive maps, tables, and charts. Seriously, play around with it and see what it can do. So, Gaydreaming is set on the edge of the Research Triangle Park. For thematic reasons in the novel, I slid the setting to the southern edge of this diverse region, to a sort of limboland between Raleigh and Durham. (Perhaps fictionalized a ~little~ and given the regional name Umstead. I AM, after all, a writer.) Using the City Data info, I created my characters to accurately represent the population in this geographic area.

The base characters were in place! The basic foundation for a diverse cast was laid!

Then the more difficult part came. A million tweets and articles and conversations all swirled inside me: things to avoid, things that must be handled gingerly. In random order—just some of the snippets from personal experience and informal, online education—here are a few cautions and goals that are still thrumming through the process. It’s far from the exhaustive list. Maybe not even the most important items. But it’s a snapshot of some of the Post-its stuck to my mental walls.

  • FFS, don’t compare skin-tone to food. This link, If White Characters Were Described like People of Color in Literature, proves the point perfectly: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/if-white-characters-were-described-like-people-of-color-in-l#.xwMBQdv1D
  • Hell! Avoid mentioning skin-tone or any non-essential appearance markers altogether! But then, my brain fights back, will the diversity be clear enough? Not feel glazed over? Then it swings to: well only mention such things if it matters to the POV character. Which, again, circles back to difficult. Would my pair of MCs, teens who grew up in a diverse community & are themselves POC, even make note of such things in their stories? Would they even notice?
  • An old lesson bubbled up: an article I read years ago about the crutch/stereotype/plot device of the “magical negro.” (If you don’t know what this refers to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magical_Negro) I confess, completely unconsciously, I created a character that was too close to fitting that mold a few novels and years back. Not exactly all the way, maybe only 33%, but that felt like too much. I’ve since revised that character. Because I learned, and I revisited my own characterization from way back then. There’s no risk of this particular error in my current WIP, but it’s still one of the Post-its. (And, maybe, you can add it to yours? Just in case.)
  • (FEAR INTERJECTION POST-IT: What if I ruin this? What if I get everything wrong? Screw it all up? Make bad decisions? F%&k s#*t up in this attempt?! Maybe I should just stick to the stuff, the experiences, I know firsthand. Maybe I should stick to gay, white characters, who grew up cowering in the closet. But the entire cast can’t fit that description…This story is so much more than that. Ugh ahhhhhh…)
  • Not making my characters diverse just to be “diverse”, but because representation is important. Because readers are important. Because we all have stories to tell. Because we’re all made of emotions, and wishes, and hopes, and fears, and dreams. Because even fiction, or maybe especially fiction, should echo and mirror and trump reality. Because #WeNeedDiverseBooks

Like I said, this is only a portion of the massively long list I’m consciously balancing. Beyond the struggle, though, I believe I’ve also (possibly?) found some creative solutions, ways to portray a cast of diverse, well-rounded characters without tumbling into the pitfalls. (God. I’m going to be honest here. This feels like doing jumping jacks naked in front of all of you. I’m not sure about any of this. But I’m damn sure giving it a go.)

  • UPDATE: I (thankfully!) stumbled upon the Writing With Color Tumblr http://writingwithcolor.tumblr.com/ WOW. Great info & dos/don’ts from a PoC’s perspective. Multiple moderators answer writerly questions and provide positive examples & guidance. This is a beautiful resource, which is, I believe, the reason it exists. I’m soaking up every drop.
  • Character names can help, right? First names, surnames. This obviously has to be handled carefully, too. Because stereotypes can slip in. Just to make it harder on myself, because of the real-life stats for fictional Umstead, a lot of families are culturally blended. It’s an international region. Still, I believe carefully chosen names can help in a subtle way.
  • There’s one kid in the friend group who is an aspiring chef. His family owns a restaurant/hangout place the characters frequent. I don’t know if this is going to work (because I haven’t gotten there in the draft yet) but Adrian’s character study says he likes to expand his skills and dish repertoire and asks for family recipes from the other characters. IDK? Maybe? That might be another subtle way to introduce the characters’ cultural backgrounds without being overt? (I’m trying here, guys. REALLY trying!)
  • Along the way, even in this first draft, I’m giving things a shot. Experimenting, I guess. (Insert that conscious word again.) I include a bit of description or characterization that’s hopefully just enough but not too much. I weigh it, take it out, put it back in, tweak it. All this will get edited again and again (and again), but I want even the initial draft to be carefully beautiful in how representation is handled. Not just for the queer or POC characters, but for every.single.character.

The point in me sharing any of this (because, seriously, it’s scary as hell) is to show that I’m trying, that I’m being conscious of my writing & characterization choices. I’m genuinely making an attempt. This story would be (get this) easier if I just didn’t worry about this aspect, right? But I do to care about it. I want to do these characters justice. I must.

So, yeah, my anguished junk’s laid bare. And, at this point, I have no idea if this attempt will be a success or a complete and utter failure. I’m hoping, expecting, for the first outcome in that list.

In case it’s not clear enough, my struggle with writing with diversity in mind begins and ends with a single word: conscious. But I guess a similar word, conscience, is in there , too: the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

*stops doing naked jumping jacks*
*hopes something in these confessions helps somebody else, too*

Intelligent People Stay Up Later?


 owl

I am, by nature, a night owl.

I can do the early morning thing, go to work, make stuff happen, even write in the a.m. if I force it to be so. But night, the witching hour, that’s when I thrive & the magic happens.

According to this article, IQ average and sleeping patterns are most definitely related.

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/night-owls-creative-intelligent/686025/

I guess I’ll believe the study. All I know is that something special awakens inside me when the stars are out.

Who are my fellow night owls? (Who may not read this until nightfall. :D)

Writerly Thoughts – Starting Tomorrow via @tangynt


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One of my writer compadres shared this in an online group earlier this week. It could be a New Year kinda commitment, but I feel like now is a great time to share & think on these thoughts. The holiday season, after all, is a time to be thankful, celebrate, splash in nostalgia, and also look ahead.

With Leatrice McKinney’s full permission, please enjoy her writerly thoughts.

Starting tomorrow, I’m gonna take it easy on myself.

I’m not gonna think about the negative aspects of the industry or how I really feel about my WIP right now.

I’m not gonna focus on what I didn’t accomplish this year or where I wish my career was, but instead look at how far I’ve come and count my progress for the true difference it’s made in my life and my craft.

I’m not gonna compare myself to other writers. I don’t know what moats they’ve crossed to get to where they are or what waits for them on their journey. I’ve got my own path to follow.

I’m not gonna pull out my phone to check my email every five minutes, essentially LOOKING for rejection. It and acceptance will come on their own, my refresh button will not speed up or slow down the process.

I’m not gonna give my self-doubt an inch of room to try and grow. As a matter of fact, that mofo’s got to find somewhere else to set up shop entirely. GTFO.

I’m gonna celebrate my accomplishments, because—contrary to how I feel sometimes—they are there, and they are numerous.

I’m gonna celebrate my friends and colleagues’ successes. We’re in this together, and one writer’s advancement is NOT another writer’s hindrance.

I’m gonna focus on the love and acceptance from the people in my life who support me and what I do.

I’m gonna allow myself to feel victorious in the fact that I’m still moving forward.

If you understand, feel any of this, agree, or simply want to encourage her in this commitment, please give a Twitter shout out to @tangynt and let her know. You can also slide on over to her website: http://tangynt.wix.com/elle.

Free Books To Random Strangers #BookItForward


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“Taken by the holiday spirit, one of my customers left $20 for me to give to the next customer to put towards a book purchase. The only stipulation was that they do the same in the future. The couple I gave it to were dumbstruck and so grateful. Random acts of kindness fill your soul like nothing else.”

 

I love books. And I definitely love FREE books, especially if they’re ones I already have my heart set on reading.

Remember a while back when folks at one particular Starbucks were paying for the drive-thru order behind them? (Is that still going on at the original location?) Well, earlier this week, my brain went all random—as brains do—and came up with this idea to do the same thing. Only different. With books.

Thankfully, I have an independently-owned bookstore in my town. The owner, Llalan Fowler, is very involved with the community. She opens her store, Main Street Books, as a venue for local events like signings, readings, open mics, art shows, the DOW writing group, etc, etc. She’s awesome.

I was pretty sure she’d be game for helping me out with my brain’s random idea.

So, I pitched it. She was so onboard. I left $20 for the next book buyer—no strings attached.

Fast forward a little bit. A couple, not usual book buyers, who seemed a bit uncomfortable with the process, wanted to purchase a local guidebook as a gift. The owner was all excited, anticipating the moment she got to tell them their book was already paid for. They stepped to the counter. She revealed the surprise. The couple was shocked (in the best sort of way). With their day absolutely made, they scooped up their bagged book and left $20 for the next customer.

Later, a 16-year-old, who is somewhat of a regular, walked in. She was far more comfortable in the bookstore. The owner watched her browse the YA section, knowing the girl always wants more books than she has money for. (Can you relate?) As always, she carefully checked the prices. She finally selected a YA graphic novel & stepped to the counter. The owner was about to pop! Llalan rang it up, but, with a smile, wouldn’t take the girl’s money… She explained the whole story, and the ridiculously thankful & happy girl skipped out (okay, she probably didn’t actually skip) with her brand new book–paid for by some completely anonymous, random stranger.

This teen reader walks out with a free copy of Battling Boy by Paul Pope

The teen reader left with her free copy of Battling Boy by Paul Pope

Llalan recounted all this last night at this Art Party Popup Shop event we had going on across the street from the bookstore. (We love random, artsy things around here!) Her eyes were bright. She loved being a part of this ~thing~. Gifting free books to strangers? What’s not to love? She readily agreed to let me donate again. And I am. This week. Maybe today.

I shared this story on Twitter & a lot of (amazing!) writers & authors jumped in with their love for the idea. Again, WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT GIFTING FREE BOOKS TO STRANGERS?!

And, so, a hashtag was born: #GiftItForward.

This is a wonderful, amazing thing you can participate in within your own community. Just go to a bookstore, excitedly (but coherently) explain what you want to do, and donate. The bookstore owner will be thrilled. I promise. The free book recipient will be thrilled. I promise that, too. They may or may not continue the chain. That’s a gamble, but awesome and perfect either way.

I know (sadly) not everyone has an independently-owned bookstore nearby. As creative folk and book lovers, I know we can dream up some #BookItForward solutions to work around that!

Unless someone beats her to it, is going to experiment with doing at B&N. Maybe chains will find a way to play along, too. Perhaps a $20 gift card purchased for the next stranger?

Jump in! Gift a book to a random stranger. It’s the perfect season for it. You know you want to. Just imagine yourself as the free book recipient. How amazing would that feel? You have the opportunity to gift that gift to someone else.

If you’re planning to give a shot, give a shoutout using the hashtag on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. Gonna try a local bookstore? A chain? A completely other outlet/process/experiment? Share how you make the idea work in your situation.

If you do donate $20 for the next book buyer at your local indie bookstore, I’d LOVE to hear your stories via the hashtag. Pretty please? I’m pretty damn sure you won’t regret it. Heck, I’ll even promise that, too.

 

[I don’t know why, but I can’t convince Wordpress that I’m  now & no longer ! Apologies for the extra step, but if you share via Twitter, maybe copy+paste the link as opposed to clicking the Twitter share icon. Maybe I can sort this issue out sometime in the next decade!]

My One-of-a-Kind Feather Tree


Christmas is my favorite holiday for a lot of reasons. One of those is that it is also my birthday. As a kid, then later as an adult, the thing I loved most about the season was quiet, peaceful nights lying on the couch, staring at the pretty lights.

My beau collects antique “feather trees”. They’re old-school decorations that remind me of scraggly Charlie Brown Christmas trees. I can appreciate them, but my biggest hangup is that they have tiny, clip-on candles instead of my precious, season-defining lights.

One of our antique "feather trees"

One of our antique “feather trees”

It’s cute (or whatever) but THE CHRISTMAS-BIRTHDAY-BOY NEEDS LIGHTS. Sure, I could just buy a tree and hook it up, but that seems too easy or normal. So I started brainstorming how to work my love of holiday lights into our home. A wreath or something? Random lights around doorways & such? Ahhh, but I wanted a lit tree of some sort… What kind of awesome, nontraditional tree could I come up with?

Micah has his feather trees… wait… feathers… feathers… FEATHERS! I can make my own version, a play on words, of a feather tree, using actual feathers. WITH LIGHTS.

So I chose my color story. Dramatic and beautiful. Black, teal, a little green, some silver. Did you know you can buy feathers in bulk, dyed almost any color imaginable? I went online and ordered 423 feathers:

100 black ostrich
100 black rooster tail
100 sea-blue rooster tail
50 peacock “swords”
25 sea-blue pheasant
25 silver-grey rooster tail
23 peacock eyes

The feathers arrived within a few days. Now, I was winging this whole thing. The entire idea and process were experimental. I’d never seen a tree like this & wasn’t exactly sure how to make it work, or if it even would. For the hell of it, I decided to live-post the process on Instagram, while kicking a few teaser links over to Twitter, Facebook & Tumblr.

I started with this southern-twang video: http://instagram.com/p/v4jJRbrMO2/?modal=true  and then posted pics along the way.

[Click on the first image for a gallery with captions.]

 

I absolutely love my feather tree. It’s unique, fabulous, and has those lights that make me happy & feel like “Christmas”. It could have been a spectacular fail—and with folks watching the disaster real time. Meh. I’m a risk taker, and beautiful things never come to pass unless we see our visions to the end. <<< That’s like a moral or something.

If you need me on a snowy winter evening between now and my birthday, I’ll probably be over here blissfully gazing at the lights of my own version of a fabulous feather tree. And if you run in to that Charlie Brown kid, maybe refer him to this post for some inspiration?

(And now, having posted these photos here, I can go delete most of them from my Instagram feed. It’s looking pretty messy, and that just will not do! If you’re on Instagram, I’d love to connect. User: TheLucasHargis)

Pain, Patience and OWWW CRAP OWWW


Today was the (quasi)final tattoo session for my Phreak Show character sleeve.

Here’s how things looked going into the session:

This project has taken precisely one year, 12 sessions, 36-ish hours in the chair, $#### (plus a trade of a mounted human skull fragment).

Out of the dozen sessions, this one, the background, was by far the worst. The needles pierced & chewed the entire length of my arm. The sheer amount of skin area made it rough. Pain. From wrist to shoulder. Front, back, sides. If my poor, fragile skin didn’t have ink yet, it got some.

Some owww-shit-owww sections got hit today. Hard.

You know that sliver of skin between your elbow bones? The one that twangs and hurts like mad when you bang it against a sadist object? The “funny bone” it’s called… Yeah. Not even close to funny. Like ridiculously not funny. When the artist was inking it, a nerve zinged all the way to my hand and made my pinkie & ring finger involuntarily twitch & jerk. This was weird. Painful & weird.

Another spot of excruciating pain: the underside of my arm, near my armpit. WOWZER. That amount of pain should be illegal. Prophetically, that’s where Niko the Prince of Torture is located. Haha, Nico. Ha. Ha.

At one point, after 2 hours of suckfest pain, my whole body was shaking. I tried to stop it, but it was doing that thing like when you’re shivering from the cold and can’t stop. I’m pretty sure my body was protesting, as loudly as it knew how, for me to stop traumatizing it in such an evil manner.

Joe, my tat artist, ripped the needles through my skin. “You sick of me yet?”

“Can’t.talk,” I squeezed through my chattering teeth. “Too.busy.screaming.inside.”

He laughed. I cried. (Almost). I tried to ascend to my happy place & soldiered on. Like a trooper and whatnot. I’d come too far to quit partway through the final tattoo. Even though it hurt like infiinte hell. <—possible exaggeration. Eventually, Joe stopped hammering my tender, Irish flesh. I shook off the grog & stood on quaking legs to check out his handiwork.

One final-final session is scheduled for May just to make sure everything looks crisp & ~finished~ after a few months. Perfection, ya know? That last-pass edit of compulsive tweaking. But it’s close enough to call this the final draft.

Phreak Show is officially  a “manuscript” and not a “book” at this point. Still, being the hopeful chap that I am, I may have already imagined myself at a signing, modeling the sleeve, readers hunting down their favorites on my arm, agreeing with the image or explaining how they pictured the characters differently.

Silly, right? Maybe narcissistic like, “Oh, hey, yeah, check out my rad tats!” Idk. Yeah. Whatevs.  I’m cool with that.

The concept, the characters, the finished story, a phenomenal agent for said story—even the sleeve itself—all started off as dreams. And those dreams, after much patience and owww-shit-owww pain, all came to pass.

And, optimistic, tatted writer-boy that I am, I know the day will come when I roll up my shirt sleeve with a smile to reveal the sleeve underneath.

“Oh yeah! I’d love to a pose for a pic with you, dear reader. But first, let’s put this temporary tat of Twiggy on you. Where do you want her?”

Whittling Down To The Beautiful


C2 - Alchemy lab - After

My partner and I run a business together: buying & selling antiques, doing shows, Ebay, repairing old pieces, creating new designs from vintage/antique components. Part of this process is the old “Buy Low, Sell High” tactic. So we hit auctions, thrift stores, Craigslist, junk shops, and antique stores. We scoop up anything with potential, flip the ready-to-go pieces as quickly as possible, and slowly work on the pieces that need TLC or creative reworking.

The needy pieces are less expensive, of course, and we always have more plans than time. (Sound familiar?) So, the easy pieces sell quickly, and the time-suck ones tend to pile up.

About 2 months ago, we decided it was time for a purge. We wanted to move to another location, get a fresh start. Opportunities arose, and as daunting as the overwhelming task seemed, we lunged at them.

Now, this meant a few things:
– Downsizing from an 8,000 sq ft building with our loft, storefront, storage & workshop to an adorable 1000 sq ft house
– Decision-making on what to let go vs. what to keep
– Re-imagining our lives with these changes in mind

Our action plan, at its root, challenged us to decide what things were most valuable and to let the rest go. Sounds simple, right? But this wasn’t just about ~things~. It also included our hopes, dreams, emotions, attachments. The decision rippled through every aspect of our lives: relationships, family, friends, finances, location, business, etc, etc…

Some choices hurt. We mourned the potential of soon-to-be-lost things. But we knew to get to our end goal, we had to be merciless.

[Roll over each pic for a caption.]

So here we are, on the other side. Feels.so.damn.good.

Yes, this is a story specific to me, but not solely. ALL you readers are insanely intelligent. You’re boss at drawing analogies, reading words someone else wrote & drawing personal significance from them. I encourage you to do that.

Maybe for you, this post is about a change or move or purge you need to make in your own life. Maybe it applies to the fear of the draft looming in front of you or the scary-ass revisions staring you in the face. Maybe it’s a bit of inspiration for redesigning your life (or just your creative space) by sifting ALL THE THINGS down to the beautiful.

It’s tough. It hurts. It’s hard work.

It’s worth it.

Inside the Fish Bowl Castle


glug glug

glug glug

Change.

That’s the reason I’ve been silent on this blog for a bit.

Plenty has been going on in my life. Major things, positive things. But a lot of it is of a personal nature—things best shared over warm cups of coffee, or around a crackling fire pit, but not so much in a public forum. You know, the richness of life which requires conversation, eye contact, Q&A, backstory, body language, and laughter-spiked discussion.

I’m in a period of a hella lot of transition.

And while I know I should (right?) be blogging & keeping my presence here active, that simply can’t happen. Because life. Because sometimes we have to pull back, keep parts of ourselves for ourselves, and curate what we let others see.

I felt a little guilty about it at first—not sharing. I felt like I wasn’t following the rules of posting regularly & keeping my blog active—all those sorts of things we hear over and over. I even worried that this absence would hinder my goals as a writer by not having a structured, frequently updated place for folks to come check me out & whatnot.

I could have forced myself to post things. But, with the real stuff being my true focus behind-the-scenes, I also knew any posts would only be placeholders lacking genuine passion or insight. That, I realized, would just be a waste.

So I did what I needed to do. For me. As an actual person who (surprise!) also lives an existence filled with non-writerly, person-like things.

And I guess that’s the point of this post. Writers, like everyone else, are actual people with families, and friends, and lives, and problems, and celebrations, and times of transitions and change. Yes, we need that sacred “online presence” so agents and editors can see who we are outside of our polished words. But we also need to breathe & focus on the other important things in our lives.

Living in a fish bowl is an interesting thing. Strangers watch us swim. They make judgments based on only what they see. Of course, we do it to strangers, too.

Every now and then, we need to tuck in our fins and shimmy into the privacy of our little underwater castles.

I expect to be in mine for the next month as the culmination of all this personal change is happening. I’ll keep poking my fishy head out on Twitter, etc. I don’t feel guilty or worried about it anymore. This is what I need for me at this time. It’s the right thing to do.

So I should end with a moral-of-the-story or an actionable item, right? Isn’t that a rule? Okay. I’ll totally try.

Slip into your castle when you need to. The outside world will be there when you get back. A bit of respite won’t ruin everything you’ve worked for. It won’t hurt your momentum towards your professional goals. In fact, taking time to take care of yourself is probably the absolute best thing you can do.

*does cool stuff inside castle, where you can’t see. neener neener*

If you find this invisible ink, you deserve a peek into my castle window. My beau and I are liquidating our antiques business, leaving our loft/workshop/storefront behind, and moving into a cute, little house a few towns over. A separate, 20-year relationship is making its final transition—which feels like a mix of freedom and loss, but is positive overall. And I’m doing an experimental writing thing, using a Twitter account run by the M.C. of a fun, ridiculously long titled idea for my next book. Plus other things. neener neener again. 

Fool-Proof Anti-Distraction Plan


distractions

Not that anyone ever gets distracted by electronics, social media, obsessive phone checking, tumbling down research rabbit holes, etc…

But—just in case—Miranda July has a creative suggestion for how to overcome these distractions & be productive.

http://www.nowness.com/day/2011/7/26/1533/miranda-july-the-future